Okay? Okay.

This is a slice of life about when I finished the Fault in Our Stars, 
SPOILERS INCLUDED

I open the book knowing what’s coming next. I see the page next to the one I'm reading and try to ignore it. I dread in fear as I get closer to the bottom of the page, the dreaded end of chapter 20. I finish the page. My eyes closed feeling like I'm going to cry, even without reading the page. I take a deep breath. My focus shifts to the next page. Chapter 21. It’s staring back at me I look down. There it is, the line, I’d been dreading since I picked up the book: “Augustus Waters died eight days later in the ICU after his prefuneral.” My heart drops into my stomach, my throat clenched, my eyes fighting back tears. I have no choice but to put the book down hazily. It doesn’t work. I feel the tears drop down my face. I struggle to read the page, but I get through it, I turn the page. I try to tell myself that it’s not real, that it was never real, that he was never real, but it doesn’t work. The tears start rushing down my face. I put down the book and lie down. I stare at the celling, trapped in a daze. Feeling like someone I knew so well was gone. I pick up the book and start blindly reading the book, I get to the last page and read: “’I like my choices I hope she likes hers’ ‘I do Augustus, I do.’” I feel bad for all the people in the book, for Hazel, for Isaac, everyone. I put the book down hesitantly, not knowing what to do. I feel like a part of my life is gone. I don’t know what to do. I lie down saddened by everything around me, knowing every time I hear the word “okay” I might start crying. I knew I would move on, I knew I would be okay.

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